Mission Memoirs 1: Through a Dark Glass, Darkly
"We tried so hard to live in the truth." - Hopeless Wanderer, Mumford and Sons
I’m the 5th of 6 children born to my parents who were married for 17 years then got divorced when I was about two years old.[1] During 1983 in Utah out of a population of 1,595,000[4] there were 503 divorces among parents of families with four or more children.[5] In response, sadly my mom had a nervous breakdown and moved in with her mother in Colorado where she stayed for one year. She took my little sister who was an infant at the time, with her. My Dad remarried a woman who had 8 kids from her prior marriage 4 of which ended up living with us – to disastrous consequences – creating environmental triggers of underlying genetic predispositions toward chemical imbalances / metal health challenges in most if not all of my siblings.
Three or four years later my Dad remarried a woman he met at a “Singles Dance” – my Dad’s third wife described these to me as “basically like purgatory where people who are divorced, separated, out on bail, almost separated, almost divorced, etc. meet in a church building and dance.”
DAD
When he was growing up my father’s older brother named Junior died after catching Scarlet Fever during the WWII era when treatments were prioritized for active military members.
My father’s amazing account of his conversion:
“…I felt that I had a good background in the Bible and general ideas of the Savior’s Gospel. In my senior year of high school, I thought it would behoove me to find out if there was a God or not. And if there was a God, did He have a church on the earth or not? At the time, I had never heard of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. I had heard of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, but the name had no special significance to me.
For there are many yet on the earth among all sects, parties, and denominations, who are blinded by the subtle craftiness of men, whereby they lie in wait to deceive, and who are only kept from the truth because they know not where to find it.[2]
I started attending the Baptist Church in the Park Hill District of Denver. I don’t remember the Reverend’s name but he was very young and very dedicated. This may have been his first assignment. I typically attended this church all by myself without Mom, Bob (my step-dad who served as an electrician’s mate in WWII and was serving in Pearl Harbor when it was attacked by the Japanese Military), or my brother Steve. I read some of the Bible and the teachers were sincere but they didn’t know what they were talking about. They believed in the Trinity but when asked to explain the Trinity they eventually came to the inevitable conclusion that the God they worshipped was incomprehensible as was his priesthood and doctrine. This didn’t’ sit well with me because I didn’t understand it. Also there were scriptures that didn’t bear this out. At the baptism of Jesus the Father said, “This is My Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.” Jesus was in the water and the Holy Ghost descended like a dove. So They – all three members of the Godhead – were present and seemed to me to be separate and distinct. I want to be sure to point out that I had many pleasant experiences at the Park Hill Church but the doctrine was not fulfilling. I gradually decreased my attendance until I had stopped going.
I started reading a book called Religions of the World Made Simple. This book contained explanations about many religions including many non-Christian religions. The number of religions was so great that I soon realized I had to narrow down my studies if I was to reach any conclusion in my lifetime. I made a starting assumption that Christianity despite it’s faults was the true religion and that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. I tried to use logic and reason to determine where the true church would be. The answer seemed almost simple: which church claimed to be the true church? There was only one answer that I could think of, the Catholic Church. It had a line of claimed authority directly to Jesus Christ. A Catholic history teacher had mentioned that Catholics thought Peter the Apostle was the first Pope. This seemed like the place to start so I began taking lessons in Catholicism.
A priest of the Mary Knoll Fathers was my instructor. I met with him several times and he gave me some reading material. We had some interesting discussions but there were still some doubts that lingered in my mind. We had Catholic neighbors who prayed to Mary as I would pray to Jesus. I asked about this and the Priest admitted that many of the members didn’t know some of the basic tents of the church. This struck sort of a discord with me.
I asked him if the Catholic Church had a quorum of Twelve Apostles. He said that they did not. He gave me a book to read entitled something like, “Instructions in the Catholic Faith.” I started reading this book but soon came to a passage that lead one to believe that you could be very loose with what you said. For example, if someone came to your door and you didn’t want to see him, you could have someone say that you were not in. To me this seemed like a lie. If the church was this loose on matters this small, imagine what they would be like on matters of more importance. I did not feel totally good about the Catholic faith. I started praying and asked the Lord to help me know if the Catholic church was true. And if it wasn’t His true church, I asked him, “Which church is true?” Perhaps the thin threads of eternity are not so thin after all.
About a month after I started praying, I was walking home leaving East High School on the corner of Colfax and Esplanade streets when a boy in a gray suit stopped me. He could have been a student in another high school for all I knew. There were two of them, one, Elder Lanny Howard asked me to fill out a card. The card had such questions as, “Do you know who Andrew O. McKay is? Have you ever heard of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints?” I could not answer yes to any of the questions except the last, “Have you ever heard of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir?” To this one I could answer yes. Then it dawned on me that the choir was associated with the Chuch. I gave him back my card filled out and asked him, “What do you, as Mormons, believe?” He said to write my name and address on the back of the card and they would come and tell me. Elder Howard and his companions came over and I started taking the missionary discussions. I will never forget the power of their testimony.
I went to a Billy Graham Crusade after this. The Elders had been teaching me fore a while. At the end of his sermons, Billy Graham usually asks people in the audience to come down to the platform. I was still very much in the midst of my search so we went down. I found that many of the people there who had gone were not just moved by his sermon but were actually volunteers from area churches. I asked the volunteer who met us what he thought the true church was. He said that Billy Graham belonged to the Baptist Church and so that was the true church. It was obvious he hadn’t even considered the question.
Also during this time I met some Jehovah’s Witnesses who knocked on the front door of our home on Locust street. I asked them about their church. One of their pastors came over to the house and started to read a book called, “The Truth that Leads to Eternal Life.” He wouldn’t answer any of my questions. The whole thing was rather confused, with me asking questions and him telling me that we had to read. Again, the Holy Spirit did not bear witness that this was the true church.
As this was going on I graduated from East High School and was admitted to the Colorado School of Mines. At the time I was going there, it was one of the best schools in the country for engineering. During my sophomore year there, I again contacted the Elders and resumed taking the discussions. At this time I met Elder Terry Jones. He was a very strong missionary who taught me a lot about people and the church. If we owe our conversion to any mortals, then I owe mine to him. Later, I met Elder Donald Greenwell who eventually baptized me on November 19, 1966. (By a strange coincidence this is exactly the same date, November 19, which (your Mom) and I were sealed as an eternal family with our children in the Salt Lake City Temple, 13 years later.)
I was blessed by Bishop H. Boyd Phillips and confirmed a member with a blessing that I would have a desire to do missionary work. Throughout my life, I have had this longing and, today…it has not diminished.
After earning a bachelor’s degree in metallurgical engineering my father studied the same field in graduate school at Washington State University, where at the same time he also worked at Hanford, the sister site to Oppenheimer’s Manhattan Project, the atomic bomb. When he was drafted, Hanford provided him a deferment because the field he was studying and working in was deemed essential to national security. (His brother, Uncle Steve, was pulled over for speeding and since he wasn’t given the factual date of his birth, men his age had been drafted. He was then presented with a choice: enlist and be deployed or stay in jail for a few years. He chose to enlist and worked in the motor pool for a defense contractor in Vietnam, Cambodia, and Laos. The hazardous working conditions and toxicity of some of the vehicles which delivered Agent Orange contributed to him having lifelong health problems.) Since Hanford was at that time researching converting plutonium from a weaponized use case to an energy-based use case, Westinghouse - Western Zirconium recruited my Dad to work as an engineer at the new plant they were opening in Ogden, UT. My father and my mother met at the Queen Theater in Denver, CO where they both worked when they were around 18 and 19 years old. After dating on and off for a few years they became engaged and were married in 1966.
The Inadequate Parents: Constantly focusing on their own problems, they turn their children into “mini-adults” who take care of them.
The Controllers: They use guilt, manipulation, and even overhelpfulness to direct their children’s lives.
The Verbal Abusers: Whether overtly abusive (neither parent was) or subtly sarcastic, they demoralize their children with constant put-downs and rob them of their self-esteem.[3]
Like I mentioned, my Dad’s second wife had 8 kids from her prior marriage, 4 of which ended up living with us. I’m not sure why her first marriage ended but her schizophrenic son who abused all three of his younger sisters may have been part of the reason.
In addition to the regular challenges that blended families encounter (sharing parents, stepsibling rivalry, identity confusion, mixed feelings about a stepparent, legal disputes, financial difficulties, territorial infringement, feeble family bonds, scheduling challenges, and adjusting to a new routine[6]) children and at least one parent with Asperger’s Syndrome (sometimes referred to as Mild Autism or “on the Autism Spectrum”), children and at least one parent with a chemical imbalance and/or a mood disorder (bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder, etc.), as well as the fact that all of my stepsisters had been abused by at least one of their older brothers.
“…removal of the child from the home, or the intense stress or public disgrace, many families cannot survive the exposure of (abuse, even when they are the victims). Even though the breakup of the family may well be in the child’s best interests, the child invariably feels responsible for that breakup. This adds greatly to his or her already overwhelming emotional burden (which, tragically, is often expressed by abusing siblings).[7]
My father’s second wife and her children moved from West Valley, UT (where my MTC companions was also from; whom I bought several vending machines from (or from his father) not long after my mission). At that time, West Valley was an area which historically has had a significantly higher poverty, crime, and gang violence rates than all other parts of Utah[8] – while we moved from North Ogden, just down the street from North Ogden Junior High School, to a beautiful home in Pleasant View, not far from Weber High School.
My mother was suffering from a nervous breakdown which the divorce had triggered and was slowly recovering while living with her mother and my younger sister, then a baby, in Denver. All of these dynamics gave me unique experiences growing up.
My Dad told me my oldest brother, Andrew, went to the basement, shut the door at the bottom of the stairs, and said no one could come in. My Mom said my Dad sent Andrew to my Aunt Heather’s home in Denver to try and make the blended family situation work or run – or even start – a little more smoothly. (Andrew was abused by a babysitter. In response, my Dad gave the babysitter a blessing while she and her family moved out of town.) Whatever the reason, my Dad bought Andrew a ticket with Delta Airlines and he flew from SLC to Denver where Heather picked him up. After he stayed with her a few days Heather called my mother who explained that it wasn’t a temporary visit or vacation he was on – it was permanent. She then drove Andrew to the Denver airport and bought him a one-way ticket back to Utah. She called my Dad and let him know – since you know, Andrew was his son and all. My Dad met him at the airport and bought him another Delta Airlines ticket to fly back to Denver, this time to stay with his mother, Grandma Ellen. She and my Dad’s father had obtained a divorce after Junior passed away – a trial I hate to even contemplate experiencing, as a father myself.
So Andrew attended George Washington High School[9] in Denver CO. My mother described the student body there as being filled with violence and drugs. I’m not sure that’s true. While I’m sure the student body demographics varied from those of Weber High School in northern Utah, I don’t believe that it was full of vilence and drugs. I never heard about Andrew getting into any fights or getting involved with drugs or having any problems at all. At the same time I also was never told about any of Andrew’s successes, triumphs, accomplishments, etc. Surely there were some, possibly several – he was very intelligent academically. After graduating, was admitted to BYU and graduated with a bachelor’s degree in political science with the goal of one day becoming a lawyer. Thank God that never happened.
[1] Tragedy or Destiny by Spencer W. Kimball. See also Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, chapter 2: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/teachings-spencer-w-kimball/chapter-2?lang=eng
[2] Doctrine and Covenants 123:12 - Duty of the Saints in relation to their persecutors, as written by Joseph Smith the Prophet while a prisoner in the jail at Liberty, Missouri. This section is an excerpt from an epistle to the Church dated March 20, 1839
[3] Susan Forward, Ph.D., Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, Introduction
[4] https://datacommons.org/place/geoId/49?utm_medium=explore&mprop=count&popt=Person&hl=en
[5] https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/vsus/mgdv83_3.pdf
[6] https://family.lovetoknow.com/about-family-values/blended-family-problems
[7] Forward. Toxic Parents, pg. 139
[8] https://www.macrotrends.net/cities/us/ut/west-valley/murder-homicide-rate-statistics
[9] #1,698 in National Rankings. #54 in Colorado High Schools. #29 in Denver, CO Metro Area High Schools #10 in Denver Public Schools High Schools https://www.usnews.com/education/best-high-schools/colorado/districts/denver-public-schools/george-washington-high-school-4065